I came across this article today and everything in it rung so true to my first year with my boys, except I felt it times two. As I was nearing the end of the article I had tears streaming down my face.
I had kind of forgotten/locked away in the depths of my memory the images of babies constantly screaming, as those memories are so painful to think about. They were my darkest days, long never-ending days of sorrow, pain, confusion and guilt. Guilt that our experiences with the boys, the IVF, constantly vomiting with Hyperemesis, pre term labour, NICU and then the collic & reflux that made my bonding experience with the boys a really long and tough road.
Reading this brought it all up, but it hit me I had never articulated my pain over that time like this, in anger. It was always sadness, PND was just filled with sadness. But I am mad, still. My boys were my first and instant last in everything as they will be our only kiddies, so damn that reflux and collic for taking away my sweet baby moments! I will never get them back or have the chance to have a different experience and that’s just fucking shit. I feel cheated. I had dreamt of becoming a mother, those tender moments with my newborns, falling in love with them the moment I saw them and deeper every day there after, napping on the couch with my loves asleep on my chest, strolls around the neighbourhood while they napped, but instead all of these scenarios were filled with screams, projectile spews, arched backs and red faces full of tears – the boys and mine.
I don’t want this to come across as woe is me, I’m not looking for sympathy. I was just so surprised by my reaction and how strong it was whilst reading that article, and the surprise that I had never been able to properly articulate how mad I was about it all. I was just going to share the article on Facebook for any other Mamma going through the same experience, but as I started to write the status that went with it, all these emotions and thoughts started spewing out. So that brought us here, this blog post. With no other point than to vent really, get it all out. Since it happened 2-3 years ago it’s hard to bring it up again to friends and family and have a vent/cry about it as it was “so long ago”. So thanks team, for reading my blog posts, which gives me a platform to vent occasionally when needed. And if you are going through this right now, virtual hug, it fucking sucks but some day that fog will lift and it does get better. Lots of love!
NOTE: I don’t mean to write this stuff to scare people or expectant mothers. I had a spell of bad luck, I just feel passionate talking about it so others in the same boat don’t feel aone like I did,