The article that left me in tears

I came across this article today and everything in it rung so true to my first year with my boys, except I felt it times two.  As I was nearing the end of the article I had tears streaming down my face.

I had kind of forgotten/locked away in the depths of my memory the images of babies constantly screaming, as those memories are so painful to think about.  They were my darkest days, long never-ending days of sorrow, pain, confusion and guilt. Guilt that our experiences with the boys, the IVF, constantly vomiting with Hyperemesis, pre term labour, NICU and then the collic & reflux that made my bonding experience with the boys a really long and tough road. 

Reading this brought it all up, but it hit me I had never articulated my pain over that time like this, in anger. It was always sadness, PND was just filled with sadness.  But I am mad, still. My boys were my first and instant last in everything as they will be our only kiddies, so damn that reflux and collic for taking away my sweet baby moments! I will never get them back or have the chance to have a different experience and that’s just fucking shit. I feel cheated.  I had dreamt of becoming a mother, those tender moments with my newborns, falling in love with them the moment I saw them and deeper every day there after, napping on the couch with my loves asleep on my chest, strolls around the neighbourhood while they napped, but instead all of these scenarios were filled with screams, projectile spews, arched backs and red faces full of tears – the boys and mine.

I don’t want this to come across as woe is me, I’m not looking for sympathy. I was just so surprised by my reaction and how strong it was whilst reading that article, and the surprise that I had never been able to properly articulate how mad I was about it all. I was just going to share the article on Facebook for any other Mamma going through the same experience, but as I started to write the status that went with it, all these emotions and thoughts started spewing out. So that brought us here, this blog post. With no other point than to vent really, get it all out. Since it happened 2-3 years ago it’s hard to bring it up again to friends and family and have a vent/cry about it as it was “so long ago”.  So thanks team, for reading my blog posts, which gives me a platform to vent occasionally when needed. And if you are going through this right now, virtual hug, it fucking sucks but some day that fog will lift and it does get better. Lots of love!

NOTE: I don’t mean to write this stuff to scare people or expectant mothers. I had a spell of bad luck, I just feel passionate talking about it so others in the same boat don’t feel aone like I did,

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11 thoughts on “The article that left me in tears

  1. My babe had reflux, tongue tie and wind… this resulted in baby weight loss, mastitis (twice) and bleeding nipples. We were heading down the same dark path as you Anna and it was horrible. We switched to bottles but the guilt around that too was horrible!!! Never knew how hard it was just to feed your baby! Anna you did an amazing job!!!

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  2. I was sent this article yesterday by a friend who also has a reflux baby, we both cried. I spent hours and hours reading articles and searching for that magic cure but this is the first article I’ve read that so perfectly sums up all of my thoughts and feelings. I’m now getting to the point of weaning him off meds and we have far more good days than bad but if he screams I’m instantly thrown back to those early days. I feel completely cheated of my first baby experience and I’m not sure I’m brave enough to have the planned second baby but I’m glad I can look back now and say we survived, cause when we were in the middle of it I truly wasn’t sure if we would.

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    1. thanks for sharing. It really is awful and a hard thing for people to understand if they haven’t been through it. I’m glad you have support in your friend. Good luck with the weening off the meads! Remember it will get better and life will be full of joy instead of pain. x

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  3. So much yes! My boy is 16 weeks now but those first 10 weeks were absolute hell, I can’t remember a good day at all and I feel completely cheated. We’ve come through the tough times and like you said once the fog lifts, it’s f*cking amazing 🙌🏼

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  4. Hi Anna
    I had a very challenging experience with our (also identical) twin girls…who after a rare mono/mono pregnancy (8 years ago now, at that time the survival rate of both babies was 30%), we successfully got to 32 weeks when they were whipped out and taken straight into NICU.
    We also have their big sis, who is 2 years older and thankfully has always been a dream sister to the twins.
    However having essentially 3 kids under 2yrs meant we had to do things I forever regret to get through the nights, mainly leaving the twins to ‘self-settle’, which meant endless screaming from one or both. Coupled with bad reflux {nicknamed ‘Throwy Zoe’ and ‘Heava Eva’ 😂)
    It makes me feel sick with guilt to remember those days. That whole first year was and still is a blur.
    What we need to do, as parents … not just of colic/reflux or prem or multiples (or all 3 which is our experience) is to realise we need to grieve for the experience we didn’t get with our baby/babies. I wholeheartedly believe it is a grief process that we need to allow ourselves to feel, accept, work through and let go.
    It is real.
    I and my husband haven’t been able to as yet, because like you, I’ve locked it all away, for fear of being overwhelmed by the guilt and regret.
    On the plus side!! We have 3 gorgeous, happy and thriving girls and a very strong and supportive, fun-loving marriage…for that, I am forever grateful!
    Vicky

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    1. thanks fro sharing your story. Wow MOMO twins are very rare and would have been scary 8 years ago! They thought ours were MOMO for a few weeks but thankfully they found the membrane. It totally is a grieving process, I think I need to address it like that. xx

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  5. Oh my, you and that article just bought it all flooding back, I still grieve for the experience I didn’t have but so wanted, its a lonely, lonely, sad, dark place, but so wonderful when your on the other side of it. Thank you for sharing, there are more of us out here with the same anger and grief that you would know. xx

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